Ramblings

Ramblings
It’s late at night and all is quiet. A roar of silence begins and it is almost deafening. So much so you shift in your chair to make a sound so as to stop the insidious growl of nothingness. Your mind begins to wonder off in several directions. One thing leads to another and before you know it, time has slipped by without your realizing.
What did you think about? What caused you to think what you did? What will you do about these thoughts if anything? Were your thoughts healthy dreams or harmful stressors? Perhaps you were trying to improve on a system or plan you have been working on. Our imagination is a wonderful thing; most times, this leads to ideas which lead to discoveries and inventions that enrich our lives. There are some discoveries and ideas we could do without because of the hatefulness and harm they cause.
Shakespeare said "Nothing is either good or bad; it is our mind that makes it so."
Thoughts can become harmful in many ways; for instance, if they lead us to harm others. And thus we come to the difference between good and bad, at least for the most part anyway. For it is here we derive why some things are considered bad, if they cause harm to others or to one’s self, they are generally considered as such.
Our thoughts are our own as far as others are concerned. We are held accountable for our bad thoughts only if we choose to enact them. The ones left inside the recesses of our mind are between you and your Maker. If what I think is not the same as what another thinks, are my thoughts wrong? Not from where I stand. So what is it that defines right from wrong? I for one am still learning. For the time being at least, my thoughts are mine, be they right or wrong, they will only be judged right or wrong if I choose to enact my thoughts and make them real. If they cause no harm to anyone and no harm to myself, how can they be wrong?
I do not like sardines; does that make it wrong for others to eat them? Certainly not; I just do not like them. We are all human and to be human means to be unique. I feel that because I view something as wrong, it does not necessarily mean it is wrong for another. I find that when I view something as wrong I tend to judge. If it causes me no harm, if it causes another no harm, if there seems to be no danger of it causing any harm, then who am I to judge it as wrong? And if I do see harm to me, or what I perceive to be harm to another is it wrong then? What I view as causing harm to another may well be in reality non harmful to them. It is just my perception. But perhaps the person does not see the harm and you do. If you do not say anything then that can be wrong because you could have prevented the harm. (See, as said before, I am still learning.) If you do say anything you could be labelled judgemental or a meddler. It is all part of life. We
all lay ourselves out there for ridicule or reward. Hopefully common sense dictates. Sadly, many times it does not.
Yet there are other harmful things that can occur due to our thoughts, ones that we do not have to enact. These thoughts can sometimes lead to depression, anxiety, paranoia, just to name a few.
So how does this happen? Perhaps you have a dream, and as time goes by, it does not materialize. You may then begin to blame others for it not happening. You label these people dream thieves. Yet, they are your dreams not theirs, why are you allowing them to steal your dream? Maybe you are the biggest thief yourself and you blame others as an excuse to hide your fear. We really do hold ourselves back; why? Fear of failure, I think, is one of the front running causes of inaction.
Henry Ford said something along the lines of, "If you think you can or you can’t you will usually be right." We listen to the Nay Sayers and we allow ourselves to believe what others think, instead of what we think. We want to be accepted by the whole, so we refrain from doing anything that others might deem unacceptable. When really the Nay Sayers are just jealous or lack the ambition to do anything themselves, and they don’t want you to do it either. Heaven forbid you might get some attention or become someone noted for something while they set back unnoticed. Maybe they are just plain lazy. So because we want so badly to be accepted we don’t do a thing so as to maintain acceptance. While in all likelihood, you really are being tolerated rather than accepted. For if a person is of such a narrow mind, for whatever the reason, as to Nay Say all the time, I doubt you really are accepted by them, you are kept below them where they want you, and you in the end allow them to control you. You feel bad and they feel good, knowing that they are still better than you; in their minds at any rate.
So then, do we just stop thinking? I think that perhaps sometimes people do stop thinking. They suppress their imaginations so as not to continually be disappointed. Yet when this happens, the resentment is still there, the blaming of others, the blaming of ones self, its all resentment. We may think we have erased it from our minds but we really haven’t. It is likely still there inside our mind because we have not dealt with it. We have buried it and we fool ourselves into thinking it is gone. And if it is still there it is still causing harm, in ways we sometimes do not see ourselves. It helps us to become grumpy, and miserable for no apparent reason. It can cause us to take things out on our loved ones without intending to hurt them. All sorts of not so good things can develop if we do not deal with these things buried in our minds, things we say we have gotten rid of, but really haven’t.
So; if I know this information, if I can understand what causes sadness, depression, anxiety, grumpiness, along with a long list of other negative feelings, I should be able to deal with the causes and thus feel different. Alas, for me at least, it is not that easy. Eliminate one cause and there seems to be three that take its place, or one that I thought I had dealt with resurfaces. And these seem to be the hardest, for when they resurface, they tend to have gained strength rather that lessened their negative effect.
I have been told; "Snap out of it….or just stop". If I knew how I would. To me it is rather like flying a plane or helicopter. I can’t just say I will fly now without any instruction. It takes time, guidance, and practice.
Thus, it would seem that it will take time, guidance, and practice to learn how to deal with my feelings. I wish I could snap my fingers and make myself feel good immediately, but I can’t.
In the mean time, the worst of these feelings for me is sadness. Somehow, some way, I have to learn not to be sad and empty. Simply writing about it seems to help me.
If there is one thing that I know for sure, I need the help of others in order to do this. I need them to understand that I do not mean to be grumpy. I need them to try and be patient with me. I need them to be supportive.
Further, I need continued guidance and instruction. Admitting this to myself I think is a huge step in the right direction.
I ask myself, am I so different than other people? Why do I feel the way I do? So many others do not appear to have any of my symptoms. Then I say to myself, perhaps they are just better at hiding their feelings than I am.
Part of my great sadness comes from the learning that I can not please every one. I have this driving force inside me that aims to please all. I think it comes from wanting to be accepted. For if I can keep another pleased, perhaps they will accept me. Again I think I have mistaken acceptance for tolerance. Pedrhaps if all another does is tolerate me, perhaps I should not try so hard to constantly please them. Maybe they do not deserve my worthless endeavours to please them if they are merely tolerating me. For me I think, this will be a life long journey of practice, a journey I am only just beginning.
But I will win over this damned depression. I will eliminate this cursed sadness. Somehow…..some way.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
RL Tex Smith